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woaihuan
Veejay
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 1886
Status: Offline
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 Posted:
Mar 10, 2008 - 02:02 PM |
 
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| Post subject: Living with wife's family. No English. No job. They hate me. |
Has anyone lived with their wife's family that hates them?
How did you go about it? Did it work out?
How do I make this work?  |
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mrpango
Low Seater
Joined: Jan 26, 2007
Posts: 3274
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 02:08 PM |
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Well unfortunately, you jumped straight in without thinking about it.
What did you expect?
I don't think there is a solution for this. Just ride it out until you are in a position to move somewhere else together. |
_________________
Well, may as well start a blog http://www.sinocracy.com/ - click at your leisure! |
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woaihuan
Veejay
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 1886
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 02:14 PM |
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No, we're considering it and would move in about a month from now.
I can pull out, but they have a house, a car, motorcycles, and live in a better place.
It's that or a shared apartment, and they suck. |
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CK1
Ranter
Joined: June 07, 2007
Posts: 549
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 02:16 PM |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6332
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 02:17 PM |
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So you would rather choose their better house, their car and their motorcycle ...good luck.
Well that will be easy if you can swallow your pride for the rest of the time you wuil be living with them. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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lemongrass
StreetBeater
Joined: Jan 15, 2005
Posts: 2330
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Mar 10, 2008 - 02:19 PM |
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With that attitude I shall "hate" you as well. |
_________________
Missing home! |
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woaihuan
Veejay
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 1886
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Mar 10, 2008 - 02:24 PM |
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| Juan_Tamad wrote: |
So you would rather choose their better house, their car and their motorcycle ...good luck.
Well that will be easy if you can swallow your pride for the rest of the time you wuil be living with them. |
No.
She wants to live with her family, and that's why I think it is a good idea.
As to the person that hates me without reason, you need to hit a bong more often.
As to the question of why they hate me, it is because I am young, a student (not working) and I am foreign. Oddly, they don't care that I don't speak Mandarin. They're not sure how they will explain me to their neighbors and family, although since they agreed we can move in, they have informed their family and neighbors. |
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mrpango
Low Seater
Joined: Jan 26, 2007
Posts: 3274
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 02:27 PM |
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I really wonder how they agreed to let you marry their daughter.
I seriously wouldn't do it, if I was in their position (no offence) - they have a reason to hate you. You don't have much going for you (in their eyes). |
_________________
Well, may as well start a blog http://www.sinocracy.com/ - click at your leisure! |
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woaihuan
Veejay
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 1886
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 02:31 PM |
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| mrpango wrote: |
| I really wonder how they agreed to let you marry their daughter. |
We've known eachother for three years, they've known about me for about 1 year and 3 months.
For over a year, they didn't approve of it. Hated me.
When she turned 25 and came to live with me at the new year, they decided that if they managed to convince her to not marry me, she probably would never marry. So they agreed. |
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tiger1
Seeker
Joined: Mar 04, 2008
Posts: 46
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Mar 10, 2008 - 02:40 PM |
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Take your pride, put some sugar on it, and swallow it. Now go look for some dignity. Very few people will hate you for no good reason. Obviously they hate you for your actions or in-actions and not what you say (since they don't speak English). Go take a long look in the mirror. Perhaps you can have enough insight to see what they see and have the courage to change for the better. |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6332
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 03:10 PM |
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Obviously she wants to stay with her family due to better conditions than what you can offer. Pity you.
If you decide to live with them swallow your pride and accept the fact that you will now be fully dependent on your wife's family. Unless, your in-laws house can provide an "entirely" seperate room (not just bedroom). If not, good-bye to marriage privacy. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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woaihuan
Veejay
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 1886
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 03:26 PM |
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| Juan_Tamad wrote: |
Obviously she wants to stay with her family due to better conditions than what you can offer. Pity you.
If you decide to live with them swallow your pride and accept the fact that you will now be fully dependent on your wife's family. Unless, your in-laws house can provide an "entirely" seperate room (not just bedroom). If not, good-bye to marriage privacy. |
Everyone here needs to chill out.
.jpg "Image")
This is Chinese custom, so STFU. |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6753
Location: 31 N 121 E
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Mar 10, 2008 - 03:37 PM |
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mrpango
Low Seater
Joined: Jan 26, 2007
Posts: 3274
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 03:39 PM |
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He's a kid, can't blame him. |
_________________
Well, may as well start a blog http://www.sinocracy.com/ - click at your leisure! |
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woaihuan
Veejay
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 1886
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 03:46 PM |
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| Andreas wrote: |
| woaihuan wrote: |
| This is Chinese custom, so STFU. |
So why did you ask then??? |
I'm not asking whether or not to do this.
I'm asking what the best way is to go about doing this. I mean, once I'm in their house, what should I expect?
Has anyone else done it? |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6332
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 03:48 PM |
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And he's married and can only afford to live in a shared apartment. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Megs
Wonder Wit
Joined: Nov 12, 2005
Posts: 3823
Location: Jinshan, Shanghai China
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Mar 10, 2008 - 03:49 PM |
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Out of idle curiosity (read: nosiness) how did you two meet? Wouldn't you have been pretty young when you met?
As for the question, my husband and I lived with my family for a bit after we got married, but they didn't hate him. (I think I drove them nuts way more than he did.)
He was just generally very helpful, did things they asked him to do, and took it upon himself to do things without being asked. I think it helped ease any potential friction. |
_________________
"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence." |
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woaihuan
Veejay
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 1886
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 03:51 PM |
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I'm a student and my budget for room is 2000rmb a month, and she doesn't add any money to that because her mom deducts 1500rmb from her paycheck every month already. (half her paycheck) |
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woaihuan
Veejay
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 1886
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 03:54 PM |
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Met online when I was in Canada... I was interested in purchasing a web chat for my own personal website and she was Tech support for the product. I never really resolved my tech problem, but I did spend a long time chatting with the Chinese (male and female) tech support, of whom most of which I have met since coming to China.
I was young, she wasn't as young.
Of course since I'll be home more I will help out, being a student, but is there anything else I can do? My wife tells me to help her mom cook, but I just can't see that happening when we don't share a common language.
And yes, I know, learn the language, I'm working on it. |
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tomnoddy_uk
Fire-eater
Joined: Mar 14, 2006
Posts: 2980
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Mar 10, 2008 - 03:56 PM |
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If you are a student why would they expect you to be working?
I don't think they would approve of you smoking bongs in their house, but if their daughter likes you, then maybe you just need to show them the same qualities that you showed her to win them over?
I would expect Chinese parents are like most parents in the world, want to know their daughter is going to be treated well, looked after, happy and that they (the parents) are also shown respect. Making an effort to learn the lingo would be a great help. |
_________________
"Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium - and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world." Murray Walker |
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Megs
Wonder Wit
Joined: Nov 12, 2005
Posts: 3823
Location: Jinshan, Shanghai China
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Mar 10, 2008 - 04:01 PM |
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| woaihuan wrote: |
Met online when I was in Canada... I was interested in purchasing a web chat for my own personal website and she was Tech support for the product. I never really resolved my tech problem, but I did spend a long time chatting with the Chinese (male and female) tech support, of whom most of which I have met since coming to China.
I was young, she wasn't as young.
Of course since I'll be home more I will help out, being a student, but is there anything else I can do? My wife tells me to help her mom cook, but I just can't see that happening when we don't share a common language.
And yes, I know, learn the language, I'm working on it. |
You still are young compared to us old farts in our 20's! 
You probably can help with cooking using non-verbal communication. It may be difficult at first, but you could also use it as a language learning thing too.
Not sure what else you can do other than being helpful, and staying out of the way. Maybe make sure they see you doing things like studying, and they can realize that you're really serious about it. Parents like people with goals. And yeah, like Tom said, just make sure to show them the qualities that your fiancee loves about you.
And try to never ever fight in front of them if you can help it. (Although this one is pretty obvious.) |
_________________
"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence." |
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woaihuan
Veejay
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 1886
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Mar 10, 2008 - 04:01 PM |
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Bongs were a joke. I don't own a bong and I sold my bubbler a week ago to a nice American woman.
As for them expecting me to work, well...
Here, or at least in her village (in the Nanhui district), marrying a student is a no-no.
Basically just be nice then. Haha. Will do. |
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dfoo
Post Roaster
Joined: Jan 19, 2005
Posts: 4140
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 04:05 PM |
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So her mother steals half her income, even though she doesn't live at home?! Nice. How about the first thing you do is stop that BS? |
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woaihuan
Veejay
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 1886
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Mar 10, 2008 - 04:06 PM |
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| dfoo wrote: |
| So her mother steals half her income, even though she doesn't live at home?! Nice. How about the first thing you do is stop that BS? |
Because that would, really, really, help in my effort to have her parents like me, right? |
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dfoo
Post Roaster
Joined: Jan 19, 2005
Posts: 4140
Status: Offline
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Mar 10, 2008 - 04:11 PM |
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If neither you nor your wife are living in your wifes parents home then its complete ridiculous for her to give them money. Not to mention that if your mother in law stopped stealing your & your wifes money then you might have enough $$'s to get a decent place!
Perhaps if you grew a pair you find they have some respect for you... |
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